Sunday, August 16, 2009

let go what you don't like, or, hopeless, drunken, romantic, dancing

looking at yourself, i mean really deeply inside, is maybe one of the hardest things to do. to realize the mistakes you have made, however great they are. to see the other people around you hurting so badly. to realize the work you thought was moving you forward, was really just a shuffle sideways. in some ways, i feel like i have failed. i have failed myself, in that i was not true, and i was not loved. my heart, my stomach, my liver, kidneys, they float in a toxic fluid, leftover, spilled from a toxic year. how did it come to this? how was i so blind, when i didn't listen to what was said, sitting on the porch, in a restaurant, or on the beach? how stupid was i to continue to hold on? why not just let go that night. why not just jump off that turquoise balcony and see where i end up? maybe on the back of a motorcycle, maybe at a bar, maybe in a school, or maybe swimming far into the atlantic ocean. none of these places are far away.

i realize how right my situation is, how it will allow me to grow and to become the person that i want to be... so that the separation between who i actually am and who i identify with, believe i am, is much less. will i/i will walk with tired and bleeding feet, crying tears that won't stop, and look up in awe at the mountain i am at the foot of. i discover the mountains in my life and ask to climb them, and meet my spirits and friends on the top, and we dance for hours. maybe they will play 'backwards walk' but maybe they will play 'that much further west', or 'pieholden suite' and we will watch the stars at night when it gets hard, and then breathe in the sunrise the next morning. where is that day? i can't predict the future, but i know it loves me. because if you let life in, with a lot of fucking pain, there's nothing you can't do.

i just wish it wouldn't hurt so much now, because there are days, more often than not, that i would erase it all if i could.
the sky is black, it's about to thunderstorm something crazy right now.


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