looking through

Tonight's Sunset

Across the same wide sky that blankets us all, and sitting in my own small bed, I look for the words to move sideways, backways, shimmy forwards, and eventually next to where I want to be. And I ask where is that? And do I need an answer now? Do I let fate run it's seemingly haphazard course, do it's own lengthy work, or do I have to simultaneously push forward with my own scrawny might?

What do you think?

I hope that when we fall asleep under the stars that were once birds flying, that we remember the world, and the millions of tiny souls that make it up. I hope that we can love them as much as we love ourselves, and I hope that you love yourself.

canoeing, kayaking, hiking, camping, and one violation

what the fuck, my legs are dancing, and my mind is tangled. it feels weird, and i find myself in these shadows, and these circles of light.

Quiet Lights Quiet Night

Lucero

A local noise ordnance unplugged the Sunday night Lucero show early, so Ben Nichols and Rick Steff played guitar and accordion on a park bench to about thirty of us in eckhart park until late. We helped with the lyrics while the alcohol helped Ben to forget.

let go what you don't like, or, hopeless, drunken, romantic, dancing

looking at yourself, i mean really deeply inside, is maybe one of the hardest things to do. to realize the mistakes you have made, however great they are. to see the other people around you hurting so badly. to realize the work you thought was moving you forward, was really just a shuffle sideways. in some ways, i feel like i have failed. i have failed myself, in that i was not true, and i was not loved. my heart, my stomach, my liver, kidneys, they float in a toxic fluid, leftover, spilled from a toxic year. how did it come to this? how was i so blind, when i didn't listen to what was said, sitting on the porch, in a restaurant, or on the beach? how stupid was i to continue to hold on? why not just let go that night. why not just jump off that turquoise balcony and see where i end up? maybe on the back of a motorcycle, maybe at a bar, maybe in a school, or maybe swimming far into the atlantic ocean. none of these places are far away.

i realize how right my situation is, how it will allow me to grow and to become the person that i want to be... so that the separation between who i actually am and who i identify with, believe i am, is much less. will i/i will walk with tired and bleeding feet, crying tears that won't stop, and look up in awe at the mountain i am at the foot of. i discover the mountains in my life and ask to climb them, and meet my spirits and friends on the top, and we dance for hours. maybe they will play 'backwards walk' but maybe they will play 'that much further west', or 'pieholden suite' and we will watch the stars at night when it gets hard, and then breathe in the sunrise the next morning. where is that day? i can't predict the future, but i know it loves me. because if you let life in, with a lot of fucking pain, there's nothing you can't do.

i just wish it wouldn't hurt so much now, because there are days, more often than not, that i would erase it all if i could.
the sky is black, it's about to thunderstorm something crazy right now.

terry